the mexican prison blues

A momentous occasion like the guilty plea of one Michael "Ron Mexico" Vick couldn't pass without commemorating it somehow. In the manner of the greatest songwriters... Cash's "Folsom Prison Blues", Dylan's "Hurricane", Yankovic's "Eat It"... I felt I needed to immortalize the man, the myth, the legend. Therefore, enjoy...

The Mexican Prison Blues
Or: How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Love Fighting Innocent Animals To The Death

by MDT

was a long time ago, 'bout a decade or so, first heard of a man named Vick
had a cannon for an arm and legs like an ostrich, man alive his moves were sick
and he coulda been the best if he'd put 'em to the test 'cause he could really put on a show
but instead we sing the story of a different kind of glory: of a man named Mexico

whoa-oh Ron Mexico
you could outrun any lineman
but you couldn't beat 5-0
and I wont forget the day
that the SPCA
finally sacked...
Ron Mexico

well we shoulda seen it coming when we saw his brother running round Blacksburg with a piece
and the time he tried to whack another man for a Big Mac we saw a fine career cease
but Ron was never lazy and we didn't know the crazy was genetic in its roots
so we all just kept a-cheerin' and defenses kept a-fearin' mighty Ronnie's magic boots

[banjo solo]

but beneath the Falcons jersey ardent fans had cause to worry 'cause they knew a secret solemn
that Ron had to endure a very special sort of cure for a hoochie he once bottomed
his herpes was a-flarin' deep beneath the pants he's wearing every time he took the pitch
although the league tried to hide it there was no need to deny it: south of the border Ron had an itch

whoa-oh Ron Mexico
though you weren't Limbaugh's favorite
you could still put on a show
and I wont forget the day
that the SPCA
finally sacked...
Ron Mexico

trouble started mounting for Ron, who started counting all his fines and lawyer's fees
first he gave the fans the finger then he had a scent that lingered in the airport: it was weed
but the feds noticed his gambling and for all Mexico's scrambling there was no daylight to find
they would send him to a place where halfbacks would race to hit the hole in his behind

so his friends, they were snitches, and the same as his bitches, they all went to the stand
but instead of procreatin' they would be elucidatin' 'bout the Kumite he planned
pitting pitbulls and poodles, mastiffs and labradoodles fighting fiercely to the last
and if they didn't pass muster, they were cut from the roster with an Ookie shotgun blast

[mournful violin solo, accompanied by the eerie howl of junkyard dogs from the afterlife]

now remember my son, for a man like the Ron may never again come
broken in prison, he has not risen to save us from the thumb
of our tireless oppressors, the alien aggressors! how could we have known Ron's worth
only he could have saved us when the canines enslaved us: giant pitbulls now rule the earth

whoa-oh Ron Mexico
you've always been a hero
even if we didn't know
and I won't forget the day...
...might've been the CIA...
that finally sacked
Ron Mexico

[harmonica outro]

Ballhype: hype it up!

on: could be worse, he coulda fixed the dogfights for the mob

Quarterback in red:
don't touch. Quarterback in stripes:
Vick HOPES they don't touch

Ballhype: hype it up!


announcing haiku reviews

Be sure to check out the previews-in-haiku over at Awful Announcing for this year's commentary teams. I almost feel the need to write an entire paean to Ron Jaworski for making Monday Night Football watchable for the first time in years.

Easterbrook's AFC preview went up today and... no haiku. The one column of his I can make it all the way through every year, and he doesn't bother to publish it? I'm giving him until the week before the season before I steal his shtick for myself.

I am thoroughly awful at Madden. Game's good though.

Ballhype: hype it up!

on: WTB: cheat codes, talent

Madden is pretty:
losing by 40 to Cards
never looked so good

Ballhype: hype it up!


daily sports hiatus

Sorry for delays
(vacation, road trip, moving)
next haiku: August

Ballhype: hype it up!


DSH is off for the 4th

Go light something on fire! It's the American way.

Ballhype: hype it up!


on: savor the Auld Cup now

signifying the start of
barren sports season

Ballhype: hype it up!


on: DSH reports!: a summer in Seattle

Hargrove didn't quit:
he just heard the ice cream truck
and never came back

Ballhype: hype it up!


on: carrot top called

Great pick by the Bulls,

if he can write another
"Straight Outta Lynwood"

Ballhype: hype it up!


on: every morning I wake up a little happier he's moved on

Oden or Durant?
Who cares? MY storyline: which
mook drafts McRoberts?

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on: "big ticket" + travel plans = punny title

Garnett to Suns? Celts?
Bulls? Perhaps Solomonic
solution needed

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chris and nancy benoit

I was gonna mock Tank Johnson in this space this morning, but then I found out about the horrific details of the Benoit family murder-suicide and I don't really have it in me.

His ECW stint was a little before my time (before I followed ECW, really) but when I started watching Chris Benoit in WCW (his second stint) he quickly became one of my favorites. Here was a guy that was ready to take Bret Hart's mantle as the best technical guy in the game, with a wicked mean streak to boot, and the whole Kevin Sullivan / Woman angle was a classic as well (and makes yesterday's events all the sadder).

To have one of your favorite wrestlers of all time die young is sad, though unfortunately, all too common (as fans of Eddie Guerrero, Bam Bam Bigelow, Brian Pillman, Owen Hart et al. will attest). But to have him go out in a way that's just so heinous, killing his wife and kid as his last acts on earth... I just don't know what to think. In a way, I almost wish he had ODed.

Just very, very sad... from a huge fan, all my condolences to Benoit's family and friends.

(Mixed feelings aside, this is after Benoit's title win at Wrestlemania 20, still one of my favorite moments in wrestling. A little over three years later, both these guys are dead. Sad business.)

Ballhype: hype it up!


on: he doesn't play in MLS, by the way

Alexi's still high,
but Feilhaber's filthiness
tiene golaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaazo

Ballhype: hype it up!


on: Sammy's numbers

from second place
to cork, trades, hearings... steroids?
and now, six hundred

Ballhype: hype it up!


on: pato!

tiger toppled by
demonseed of Marlboro
and Michelin men

Ballhype: hype it up!


on: I'd probably shoot about a 140

winter in Oakmont:
deceptively warm now, but
snowmen forecasted

Ballhype: hype it up!



a public apology re: WNBA poetry

We here at DSH pride ourselves at being the world's go-to blog for the intersection of athletes and poetry. Our scooping at the hands of DC Sports Bog with today's piece on some of the WNBA's finest poets is inexcusable.

We promise to redouble our efforts to make sure that whenever a women's basketball player pens a verse, you'll hear about it here first.

Our humblest apologies to you, the loyal reader.

Ballhype: hype it up!

on: what, the Ducks and Spurs weren't enough excitement for you?

from a boring spring
at last, a real happening:
Lunar Verlander

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on: liveblogging is not a crime

Coming to you live!
This college baseball haiku
is alread- [feed lost]

Ballhype: hype it up!


on: skating alone

Jubilant, these Ducks,
to take the happiest lap
while Bettman fiddles

DSH is taking the day off tomorrow (gotta burn off that paid-time-off!) We'll be back on Monday.

Ballhype: hype it up!


on: I like to think I've shown amazing restraint this playoff season

Cup could get lifted
tonight: good, 'cause I'm thisclose
to "knucklepuck" jokes

Ballhype: hype it up!


on: Sunday is for waffles

build a dynasty,
or play in the Mouse's shadow?
Billy just woke up

Ballhype: hype it up!


on: DSH loves NSB

coryza! clevis!
and more words I'll never use,
linguistic land mines

DSH hopes to get its shit together next year and find a way to get a press pass to the Bee (which, we'll admit, probably means attempting to do so earlier than one week prior). We're also a little disappointed that New Jersey couldn't keep its one-year streak of championships alive, though our congratulations certainly go to Evan O'Dorney for tackling "serrefine" and taking down the prize. (By the way, did it seem to anybody else that there were a lot of words about swords this year? Every time I looked up they were asking the kids about some implement of death or another.)

Our biggest moment of the day, though, was watching Samir Patel take his fall. We here at DSH found ourselves rooting for the kid even through an appeal that was, as Shonda Rhimes put it, a bit "icky". (I'm always a bit shocked that the Bee isn't more litigious than it is. All those parents, all those kids, reasonably direct access to the judges... I hope security is tight.) Not sure you can blame the kid's parents for taking a shot at a technicality, especially when Patel showed grace coming off the stage and taking his loss. I'm tempted to send the kid my old, worn-out, grade-school era Dan Marino jersey as a show of solidarity, except I'm not entirely sure he knows who Dan Marino is. In fact, I'm not entirely sure that most of the kids on that stage know what a football is. I do know that losing sucks, even for a Face Of The Department like Patel. Lots of bright young spellers coming up through the farm system, though, and besides, ABC can just transition him to "the agony of defeat" clips, right after the ski jumper.

But to return to "icky" for a second... are we watching the glorification of smarts or just smart-sploitation? Is the Spelling Bee a good thing? Or are we just reminding the fat kids you can get on TV by eating a lot of hot dogs? Certainly there's an argument to be made that these kids are too young for primetime pressure, but I've always thought that it comes down to the reasons the kids are getting involved. If their parents are shoving them into it, piling on the pressure, locking them in their rooms with a chair and a dictionary then yes, that's not good. Doesn't that hold true for anything? I knew plenty of Soccer Parents growing up, too, and we can agree that it's not the fault of the sport but of the overbearing moms and dads who, for whatever reason, are ruining the experience.

If it's about the kids, though, if it's about spellers going out there because they like to compete but they can't get around on a fastball... because they're more comfortable with Latin roots than jump shots (god knows I was)... because maybe they LIKE being on national TV... then I don't think we need to rest uneasy tonight because we're watching them. And playing drinking games to their misspellings. And betting on them.

Okay, maybe not betting on them.

There are a lot of kids out there who deserve to be on the cover of the newspaper for what they're accomplishing but are getting pushed out by 'roided sluggers and starlet tramps. If a euonym can get them there? Probably not the worst thing in the world.

Finally: dotted schwa! Don't mind if I do.

Update: A discussion I had with the inimitable Rob Iracane, fellow lover of all things ath-linguistic, reminded me: ESPN actually did right by the Bee this year. They were smart in going with Chris McKendry and Robin Roberts for the brunt of the play-by-play duties and leaving Mike and Mike to do the occasional commentary, on which they were solid. Even Stuart Scott managed to dial back the b-o-o-y-a-h a bit for his turn on the sidelines. You don't normally see the words "ESPN" and "restrained" together in a sentence... not outside of court documents... but their coverage of the Bee was, dare I say it, respectable?

Ballhype: hype it up!


on: the shocking truth

Wait, you're telling me
Kobe wasn't supported?
Kwame wasn't it?

Ballhype: hype it up!


on: obscurity in Indy

it's now Tuesday morn
and I still can't name this year's
500 winner

Ballhype: hype it up!


on: the envelope please

Hello, 9-1-1?
There's a Sports Guy on my roof
I think he might jump

DSH is on vacation (a-GAIN!) We'll be back on Tuesday. If you find yourself in Dodger Stadium in Los Angeles on Saturday night, wander around the upper deck shouting "Hey! Haiku Guy!" I will buy you a beer if you can find me, loyal reader.

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on: things that were better six seasons ago

Things I don't care for:
VP, Chloe's kid, stuff that's
not Jack killing folks

Ballhype: hype it up!


on: as an encore he'll stomp Tokyo

Orange kryptonite,
French Open concedes

Ballhype: hype it up!


on: please god make this the last fucking time I read about Barbaro

Can you believe it?
Has it really been a year
since a horse got hurt?

Ballhype: hype it up!



on: still the only reason to like UK hoops

That would bother me, except...

DSH is out of town on Friday, May 11th. Back Monday!

Ballhype: hype it up!


on: he's growing his playoff hair

Nash stops the bleeding,
reaffirms the power of
Canada's healthcare

Ballhype: hype it up!


on: it's just weird to think of them as "perennial failures"

Wings go from first to worst to
simply confusing

Ballhype: hype it up!


on: simply enjoy it while it lasts

Considered progress:
close fight, legit decision,
fighters' ears intact

Ballhype: hype it up!


on: so very obligatory

If Stephen Jackson
always shot that well, he'd be
behind bars by now

Ballhype: hype it up!



on: before he was big shot bob, I imagine...

young Robert Horry,
the scourge of the carnival
those in dunk tanks feared

Ballhype: hype it up!


on: everything you need to know about the draft

Quinn falls mightily,
Browns get two drafts' worth this year,
Moss shops for sweatshirts

Ballhype: hype it up!


DSH Special: 2007 NFL Poetic Draft

Unless you've been living underneath a rock, you know that the NFL Draft is this weekend. ESPN, of course, will be devoting hours upon hours to their draft coverage this year, full of talking heads burning time with boring analysis and wild predictions.

With all that time to devote to the players' draft, it's an absolute travesty that they didn't cover the NFL's first Poet Laureate draft this past week, where every NFL club chose a muse to guide them through the coming seasons. Thankfully, Daily Sports Haiku was there, and unlike Mel Kiper Jr., we actually know how these careers are going to pan out. Also, we have better hair.

Below are some of the highlights from the 2007 NFL Poetic Draft and what you can expect for your favorite teams.

1. Oakland - Allen Ginsberg (Newark, NJ)
Looking to put the edge back in the Silver and Black, Al Davis drafts Ginsberg for his skill and aggression. Ginsberg spends his weeks in San Francisco and Sundays in the Black Hole tripping on mescaline. He manages to sneak some of his colleagues into training camp, and while Edgar Burroughs is cut early for an incident involving Warren Sapp and seven pounds of raw hamburger meat, Jack Kerouac is kept on as the second-string quarterback. Ginsberg lasts two seasons before Davis releases him for "being too Communist". "The best minds of our generation destroyed by madness, indeed," Ginsberg remarks.

2. Detroit - Julius "Nipsey" Russell (Atlanta, GA)
With Frost, Dickinson, and Yeats still on the board, Matt Millen instead opts for the Poet Laureate of Game Shows. Millen arrives in Michigan after the draft to find his house has been burnt to the ground. His contract is extended another two years.

3. Cleveland - Edgar Allen Poe (Boston, MA)
Clearly a pick to spite the Ravens, their AFC North rivals. Sadly, the master of American horror has a relatively unimpressive career in Cleveland, rarely summoning up the energy to write. "And I thought Baltimore was depressing," says the man who wrote "The Pit and the Pendulum". Poe does, however, hit it off with the Cleveland fans, especially The Dawg Pound, penning "The Howl of the Wild Dawgs" in tribute. (The controversial ending where Kellen Winslow has his eyes pecked out by an egret would be cut before publication.) Casks of Amontillado are now a common sight in the parking lot tailgates before home games at Browns Stadium.

5. Arizona - William Shakespeare (Stratford-upon-Avon, England)
Arizona finally thinks it has the star it needs to bust out of the cellar and make the playoffs. The marketing team runs a massive "Bards For Cards" promotion; coach Ken Whisenhunt promises him publication from day one. Shockingly, however, Shakespeare only manages two mediocre sonnets in his first season. In the second season, he takes to writing limericks; by season four he's submitting plagiarized copies of Hop on Pop. Cards fans take to wearing comedy/tragedy masks to games; Shakespeare ends his career after five nondescript seasons writing for the Arena Football League's San Jose SaberCats.

Interestingly enough, the Patriots pick up Christopher Marlowe in the 5th round and he goes on to have a Hall of Fame caliber career.

6. Washington - William Wordsworth (Cockermouth, England)
Notable only because owner Dan Snyder signs him to a 7-figure contract, thus making him the first millionaire poet in recorded history.

8. Atlanta (from Houston) - Langston Hughes (Joplin, MO)
A singular talent possessed of a jazzy, improvisational style, Hughes is roundly criticized upon failing to perform in Atlanta and is frustrated by coaches pushing him towards strict iambic pentameter. "Will never realize his full poetic potential," Peter King writes. "His meter simply isn't up to par with the greatest I've seen come through the league: Thoreau, Sandburg, Romo." In spite of his supposed failings and some scandals that the league and media have kept hush-hush (support for Josef Stalin, homosexual coding in his poetry) his jersey is a top-seller.

11. San Francisco - Basho Matsuo (Ueno, Japan)
Basho's snappy haiku are a perfect fit in San Fran's west coast offense, and the town's excellent sushi bars and strong Asian ties make the poet a perfect fit. Among his more famous works with the team:

the cherry blossoms fall
Nolan's suit shines
we miss Montana

The Niners keep losing, of course, but the fans remain placated by the team's excellent zen.

16. Green Bay - Maya Angelou (St. Louis, MO)
Shows immense talent, as evidenced by "Still I Rise" and "I Know Why The Caged Bird Sings". Of course, we don't end up finding out about these masterpieces until long after she is out of the league, because T.S. Eliot (whos original nickname for Green Bay went on instead to title one of his most famous works) holds onto Green Bay's poet laureate position for another seventeen seasons, long past the point where he can even pick up a pen and write without getting ink on himself. Angelou spends her entire career on the bench.

18. Cincinnati - Tupac Shakur (New York City, NY)
The Bengals take a chance on another troubled kid with "character issues", but Shakur rewards their faith with three Pulitzer-caliber seasons before writing his most controversial rap, "Da Goodell, Da Badell". A sample verse:

He wanna take our fat stacks with his fines like it's a thug tax
So I unload my milly-nine into Roger's back
How's the commish gonna like it when he's salary capped?

Shakur is fined $500,000 and suspended 8 games when an intern explains to the NFL commissioner what a "milly-nine" is. The song hits #3 on the Billboard Hot 100.

19. Tennessee - Henry Wadsworth Longfellow (Portland, MA)
To put it mildly, Longfellow is a nice change of pace.

How beautiful is the rain!
After the dust and heat,
In the broad and fiery street,
In the narrow lane,
How beautiful is the rain!

---"Rain in Summer", Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

I'm in this business of terror
Got a handful of stacks
Better grab an umbrella
I make it rain (I make it rain)
I make it rain on them hoes
---"Make it Rain", Fat Joe

20. NY Giants - E.E. Cummings (Boston, MA)
Cummings' tenure in New York is a mess. Rumors of a trade swirl in the tabloids (Daily News headline: "CUMMINGS GOING?") after he feuds with tight end Jeremy Shockey. Shockey complains about Cummings' verse after a loss to Dallas ("If certain members of our team knew how to form a trochee, we wouldn't be in such bad shape") and Cummings responds in kind ("How the f--k would he know, Jeremy Shockey is functionally illiterate"). Mike Lupica trashes Cummings, calling him, quote, "not good enough to clean the spittle from my laptop screen". The final straw comes when noted disciplinarian Tom Coughlin makes Cummings run a wind sprint for every line he leaves unpunctuated. Cummings rescinds his no-trade clause three days later and is shipped to San Diego for William McGonagall.

21. Denver - Elizabeth Barrett Browning (London, England)
"How do I love thee? Let me count the ways" is a big hit in the Mile High City, for sure, but her real contribution to the team comes when they put her behind the Broncos' offensive line in her fourth season and she rushes for 1,300 yards, 11 TDs, and a spot in the Pro Bowl.

26. Philadelphia - Walt Whitman (Long Island, NY)
Making his home right across the Delaware in Camden, NJ, Whitman is a natural fit for the City of Brotherly Love, which, it turns out, is not that into Brotherly Love. Though his poetic talents are much appreciated by the populace, "You're gayer than Walt" becomes a popular cheer used by the always-classy Philly fans to taunt the opposition. Whitman exhibits a decent sense of humor about it, even joining in with the crowd's festivity during one winter game by pelting sideline reporter Tony Siragusa with snowballs and batteries.

31. Chicago - Dylan Thomas (Swansea, Wales)
Chicago breaks through and wins a Super Bowl with Thomas inspiring the team. The citizens of the Windy City take the opportunity, as they did during the Bulls' title runs, to rage, rage against the storefront windows and flip, flip every automobile they find in the street. Problems arise, though, when it's discovered that Thomas can drink both Rex Grossman AND Kyle Orton under the table. A night of whiskey sours leads to an unprecendented injury report ("OUT: Grossman (liver)") and coach Lovie Smith waives the poet gently into that good night during the off-season.

32. Indianapolis - Oscar Wilde (Dublin, Ireland)
Witty and talented, Wilde is an excellent addition to the already-loaded Colts squad. The Wilde/Manning pairing leads to two more Super Bowls and some of the best Saturday Night Live episodes ever. Sadly, the dynasty comes to an abrupt halt when coach Tony Dungy finds a love letter from Wilde in Peyton's locker, figures out Wilde is homosexual, and shoots him dead.

Ballhype: hype it up!


on: vague LifeAlert references

Wade hurt, O'Neal old;
Heat try to flip playoff switch,
fall. Can they get up?

Ballhype: hype it up!


on: setting the bar a bit too high in NY

April power brings
October glowers, more boos,
A-Rod's departure

Ballhype: hype it up!


on: the Gonzaga your secretary DIDN'T pick in her bracket

Remember Guile,
from Street Fighter? Cro Cop says
"that kick is SO cheap"

Ballhype: hype it up!


on: puff puff draft

sun rises in east,
sky blue, grass green, fire hot,

Ballhype: hype it up!


on: and dallas puts on lobster bibs

Congrats, Warriors!
Prize for clinching playoff spot?
Blindfold, cigarette

Ballhype: hype it up!


on: ######

Once again, the Leader is
[expletive censored]

Ballhype: hype it up!


on: predatory instincts

blood in the water:
Sharks pummel Preds, take slight edge
in vicious series

Ballhype: hype it up!


on: life, the universe, and everything

sunday afternoon
in a sea of forty-twos
are the answers near?

Ballhype: hype it up!


on: DC Friday Optimism!!!1!

Chief escapes a jam,
Nats shut out the mighty Braves,
Forecast in Hell: brisk!

Ballhype: hype it up!


on: ironically, I'm told Lord Stanley was a waxer

Shelve your razors, men!
Sixteen teams for sixteen wins
go scruffy tonight

Ballhype: hype it up!


on: the trouble with two-hitters

Pair of hits beats Gints'
two-of-a-kind: Cain, Sanchez
throw gem of a loss

Ballhype: hype it up!


on: TIGER LOSES (zach wins)

Tiger chokes Masters,
somehow, in spite of never
REALLY leading it

Ballhype: hype it up!


on: vacation

DSH spring break!
Ten days in Cali. Back soon
with more crap poems.
Daily Sports Haiku returns April 8th, hopefully loaded with office pool and Plinko money.

Ballhype: hype it up!

daily sports sonnet: opening day '07

(Heading out of town for a bit this week... so how about a little early anticipation of the forthcoming season? Let's see if I'm this optimistic after 162 games.)

The springtime thaw brings out the leather gloves
the timbered bats (and natch, perhaps the pills)
the Hammer's record stands up, much belov'd
but Big Head threatens it, and our goodwill

yet clouds of scandal, lo, they start to clear
and innocence may yet o'er baseball reign
the young, like Wright and Howard, have our ear
and sound off with their mighty swings' refrain

on, Cubbies fans! this is your day of hope
when every loyal man and woman sings
on op'ning day a seamhead never mopes
even a Royal dreams of Series rings

the verdant diamond's tarps are fin'ly gone
the freshest season now will see its dawn

Ballhype: hype it up!


on: I coulda gone with "retirements"

Dom's seventy-fifth
blanks the Ducks... that's shutouts, not
birthdays, for Hasek

Ballhype: hype it up!


on: a proud tradition of abject failure

Rock, chalk, take a walk!
Kansas coaches (past, present)
spend weekend choking

Ballhype: hype it up!


on: a cry goes out both far and near for...

Salukis bark, but
don't bite the Jayhawks; this is
no tourney for 'dogs

Ballhype: hype it up!


on: like, popular teams only, kay?

super sweet sixteen:
if Joakim dances again
party will be RUINED

Ballhype: hype it up!


on: another West title, linguistics, and Steve Nash's bare ass

would streaking Suns be,
by definition, better
called the Moons instead?

Ballhype: hype it up!



on: 115 points, 1 man, no chance in April

Kobe embarks on
yearly "look at me!", before
playoff teams steal show

Ballhype: hype it up!


on: it was this boring

chalk chalk chalk chalk chalk
chalk chalk chalk... VCU... chalk
chalk chalk chalk chalk chalk

Ballhype: hype it up!


on: always be hustlin'

Pete Rose tearfully admits
to drowning puppies

Ballhype: hype it up!


on: what can I say, I love puns

thanks, Purple Eagles
for sparing the world from tabs'
(and my) "Falls" headlines

Ballhype: hype it up!


on: boston 7 new york 5, as if you gave half a shit

spring so soon? first of
seven million Yanks-Sox games,
icy death, on us

Ballhype: hype it up!



haiku de grace: week of 3/5/07

Nothing much to say here beyond:

  • when will this NCAA season end
  • Chris Clark is a classy guy (picture of a bored-looking Alex Ovechkin to follow)
  • see you at Monday Night RAW next week

Ballhype: hype it up!

on: tip of the hat, Cal, wag of the finger, UCLA

Bears the biggest threat
to number one seedings... for
other kinds of bears

Ballhype: hype it up!


sick day

Sick today. Enjoy a little Basho (writing about the aftermath of March Madness?)

Ah, summer grasses!
All that remains
Of the warriors dreams.

Ballhype: hype it up!


on: the early campaign season

Mavericks announce
candidacy; sixteen straight
is good primary

Ballhype: hype it up!


on: I'm sorry Bulldogs, but your princess is in another arena

Zags will not play your
bubble games! Like Mario,
'shrooms give them power

Ballhype: hype it up!


on: if you can't beat 'em, punch 'em in the nose

Wine and cheese with a
side of blood in the Dean Dome;
Psycho T got served

Ballhype: hype it up!


haiku de grace: week of 2/26/07

Let's hear it for the AP this week, which is giving itself a big ol' Barry Horowitz for its groundbreaking experiment this week: giving Paris Hilton the Tinkerbell treatment. When the world's largest news agency needs to congratulate itself for going a week without printing stuff that isn't actually news, we've hit dark days indeed. Hey, I've been ignoring Paris for years now. Where's my medal?

Meanwhile, is this a shitty week to be a blogger or what? Asshole beer baron harasses hockey blogger with "seize and desist" letter for daring to criticize him in print. Major electronics company aims a shotgun at its own foot yet again by blackballing noted videogame blogger for the heinous crime of reporting news. Next thing you know, I'll be facing down a lawsuit from Japan for butchering their poor, abused poetry form. At least there's some joy in Mudville, though: one more tiny happy soul brought into this brave new world of electronic media.

I was going to take this weekend to post an elaboration (rant) on why rooting for Carolina because you hate Duke betrays a fundamental ignorance of college basketball history, but after watching this team get swept by Maryland I think I may just drink heavily and cut myself repeatedly instead. If we keep the game within 20 on Sunday I'll consider it a moral victory.

Enjoy the weekend, reset the dates on your watches a week before you'll have to fiddle with it anyway for daylight savings (stupid short February) and try to stay out of the lousy Smarch weather. I'll see you on Monday.

Ballhype: hype it up!

on: the 220-pound diva

Bad paparazzi!
John exposed to injury
next time, just play on

Ballhype: hype it up!


the pinnacle of human invention

A short break for a much-needed plug.

While writers disparage the general coolness quotient of Duke fencing, one of my friends from the team... one who stuck with engineering long after I was a victim of attrition... has created perhaps the most amazing invention you will see in 2007. From the glorious mind of John Cornwell, please witness: the beer-launching fridge. I WANT one.

Robotic Beer Launching Refrigerator - The funniest videos are a click away

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on: less gyros, more ball

Daisuke: eat less
daisushi. Does "Wells" translate
well to nihongo?

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on: please return by end of playoffs to avoid late fees

welcome to hockey,
where "Blockbuster deal!" implies
a rental coupon

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on: tragedy strikes twice, a mile high

the snow falls darkly
in Denver, where it seems this
winter never ends

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haiku de grace: week of 2/19/07

I've finally recovered from my Wednesday night hangover at DC Blogger Happy Hour 3, so I suppose it's time to wind another one up for tomorrow morning, right? There've been a number of posts covering the excellent affair, although my favorite is probably this rollcall from AwfulAnnouncing in which it is reveal that one of us pasty white bastards walked out on their tab. I promise it wasn't me. Straight cash prevents bad things from occuring. So does moderation, though, I guess, and there wasn't much of that in evidence, I'm happy to say. At about the point in the night where UM started going with the straight vodka I realized I was out of my league.

(For the record, I'm not in any of those photos, yet. As far as I know. Which only means that I'm one less person to recognize at Happy Hour 4 when there's another 20 of us sitting around individually because neither Mottram nor Steinberg has shown up and those are the only people we recognize.)

Daily Sports Haiku on Blog TV? Hey, it could happen.

Thanks to all the fine folks who met me this week and made DSH a part of their Blogroll (you hear how it rolls off the tongue, Comcast?). Your excellence has been noted in the sidebar.

Mangia bene and enjoy the weekend!

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on: the key is to not swing at the mask

throw down your Sabres:
goalies brawl in Buffalo
(Biron's wife called "dyke"?)

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on: welcome back! we got you a star player in a wheelchair

poor Pat returns from
exhaustion, then quickly he
develops nausea

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come! and bask in my social awkwardness

Anybody in the DC area interested in beering it up and watching sports with a bunch of great sports bloggers (and me) should get their ass to Rhino Bar in Georgetown tonight, starting at 7 and going until... whenever (11-ish, it looks like). The inimitable Dan Steinberg from the WaPo will be there, the indubitable Jamie Mottram from Mister Irrelevant and Cold Pizza will be there, and the inebriated Unsilent Majority and Christmas Ape from Kissing Suzy Kolber will hold court as well, along with Information Leafblower, 289, and other talented folks whos real names haven't been published publicly yet as well. Gonna be a good time.

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on: distance runners are crazy, impressive

Engle, Zahab, Lin:
on the ancient sand

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on: he's short, we get it, now go away

Sticker at 12' 6"
can't beat Nate's twenty attempts?
Dwight Howard wuz robbed

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haiku de grace: week of 2/12/07

Forgive the awkward construction this morning, but damned if I HAD to make a Haddaway joke.

Been scouring the interwebs today to find out exactly what Coach K said to Jared Dudley last night after the game. I'd guess it was less "you're a great player" and more "you went to the line 18 more times than we did so if you don't mind I'll be the one getting spittle on the refs, thanks." Dudley's my number one choice for "guy most likely to Kermitize somebody's face in" when he goes pro. Or maybe in the ACCs, a la Chris Paul to Julius Hodge's scrotum.

Also, I thought North Carolina was the worst when it came to dealing with snow, but then I moved to DC. At least they're sort of cute dealing with it down there in a "hey! white stuff! from the sky! are the gods angry?" sort of way. Here it's just panic followed by total government shutdown. Every year. It's a coastal city that's basically Northern and people just flip the fuck out... I can't explain it.

No links of note this week, sez Technorati, so that means: loyal haiku peoples! get the word out to your favorite sports sites! Nag, my minions! Let's get some links.

I'm kicking about the idea of doing spring training haiku for every baseball team, which would be numerically about 50% easier than doing it for every NCAA team in the Dance. My only worry is that I'm pretty sure I'd actually have to pay Gregg Easterbrook royalties at that point. (Still no link from Papa Bear. Eventually, I hope.)

With that, I'm off for a mercifully long weekend, which you may have already surmised. Back on Tuesday with some more 5-7-5 goodness.

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on: me? him? him? me? me? him?

irony! guy sang
"What Is Love" hates gays! Oh, wait,
HARDaway, my bad

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glorious people's haiku: 2/14/07

Loyal reader John chimes in with... Toyotas, I think.

Waltrip caught cheating
Tora Tora Tora - NOT!

Being from New Jersey, driving fast and turning left really isn't my thing. Last year I managed to stay awake for about 50 more laps of the Daytona 500 than my Charlotte-raised girlfriend did. Actually, I found it reasonably entertaining, in a "well, if I'm drunk, sure why not" sorta way. Maybe this year I'll make it to the halfway point.

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on: Ninja Turtles were also a popular choice

you know what I miss?
those baseball card valentines.
"Albert Belle Hearts You!"

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on: sports Boston would rather ignore

Irish win famine
strikes Celts, Doc thinks of wearing
ratty gray sweatshirt

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on: at least I got my laundry done

Gilbert's forty short,
Chad Johnson keeps his pants on,
weekend disappoints

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haiku de grace: week of 2/5/07

So what did we learn this week?

Peyton's monkey is dead and gone but Barbaro still lives in our hearts... suicidal robots are, despite what you may have read, more funny than offensive... Duke may have lost (and lost, and lost) but Tyler Hansbrough is still obnoxious... Albert Pujols is more patriotic than you... John Amaechi's gay is not contagious... and of course, when you absolutely, positively, HAVE to embarrass somebody on a major national sports site, there's no better insult than "Duke fencer".

This week's "If I Hypothetically Just Came Into A Large Inheritance Much Sooner Than I Thought, I'd Give Some Of It To Them" goes to The Serious Tip and Bettman Hates Hockey! for their love and linkage.

Enjoy the weekend!

Ballhype: hype it up!

on: quick! name three cyclists... two cyclists? one?

the dirty truth... Tour
needs villain: Landis. perhaps
wearing a Bush mask

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on: they tired me out too

Carolina blew...
past Nelson, past Duke; right through
Cameron Indoor

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glorious people's haiku: 2/7/07

Somehow this one slipped through the cracks from last week (read: I'm a forgetful jackass) but John weighed in colorfully on the Lions' chances for next year:

Lions get Sam Gash
Fitting, for the big pussies
Four and Twelve....maybe

You may have noticed there's a rather big college basketball game tonight. You also may have noticed... from the hundreds of times you've heard it from me on Deadspin or the one time you heard it on Sportsline... that I'm partial to royal blue over impoverished, Gerber baby, NIT-banner-posting blue. That said, I'll be hammered tonight in hopes of dulling the pain that I fear will be inflicted upon Duke Nation by a team that... and it pains me to admit it... is much, much better than ours (right now). That's why they play the games, though, right?

All I've gotta say is that those lucky bastards still in Cameron had better be LOUD tonight.

Ballhype: hype it up!

on: once again our signing day is a failure

come to DSH,
recruits! no test minimums!
(no pay, no hotties)

Ballhype: hype it up!




haiku de grace: week of 1/29/07

So. Anything on this weekend?

I had promised this week's esteemed linker, DC Sports Bog, a Caron Butler haiku, but seeing as how he cracked the roster... I'll save it for next year when it's Andray Blatche's turn.

10 points for anybody who can post a link to video of Shepard Smith's (FOX News) on-air reaction to the Great Mooninite Panic Of Boston. Rumor has it it's hi-lar-i-ous.

Enjoy the game, link to us, see you on Monday.

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on: super bowl predictions are like assholes

meat having been cut,
Peyton now slices critics.
my pick: Colts by nine

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glorious people's haiku: 2/1/07

So, uh, you may have heard that ESPN.com has comment boards now.

From reader John:

ESPN conversing?
Bloggers Of The World, UNITE!
W-W-L, my Arse!

You have to make some rather large leaps of pronunciation to make that one work, but I like the sentiment.

Seriously, who thought that was a good idea? "Hey, why don't we make a message board? Let's start it off with one of our most mockable columnists as a test run. I'm sure all the people on the internet who think ESPN has become a big ball of awful will just stay away." Yipes, can you imagine if Skip Bayliss had written something yesterday?

The real victim is the poor intern that had to repeatedly erase hundreds of comments about Barbaro and Sean Salisbury's cock yesterday.

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on: dubious holidays

Groundhog sees shadow:
more winter. Kobe steps on
shadow: suspension.

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on: things that were in better shape thousands of years ago

Found on Stonehenge dig:
ancient houses, artifacts,
and Sammy Sosa

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on: if they lost their way in minnesoter

Ticket punches Suns!
(That's a metaphor: we've seen
KG's no boxer)

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glorious people's haiku: 1/29/07

Some love from the DC Sports Bog yesterday, and in particular a suggestion from Dan Steinberg too good to pass up:

I loved Barbaro.
Had him surviving for years.
That was a bad bet.

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in requiem 1/29/07

From... as best as I can tell... Luckless Pedestrian, written in the prime of the Barbaro Messageboard:

Run Barbaro, Run
You're going to win! Oh Snap!
You're now adhesive

Little did I know, wading through a cesspool of humanity in the infield of the '06 Preakness, that I would bear witness (sorta) to the defining sports moment of the year.

Sometimes I feel a little guilty about the Barbaro jokes. And then I remember it's a horse. That people were writing letters to. Daily. That's about when those feelings go away.

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on: the twin terrors of Palm Springs 2040

Roger and Tiger
should retire to the same
country club, for laughs

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haiku de grace: week of 1/22/07

This week's big-ups-yusself go to Off Wing Opinion for throwing their love this way. (Best Caps blog on the net and one of the best hockey blogs, period. For those of you lucky enough to get, uh, Versus.) I've been bothering Dan Steinberg at DC Sports Bog for a link, but I can forgive him for not getting around to it this week... he's had a busy week taking pictures of mascots in grocery stores.

I turned on the Winter X Games the other night. People were flipping snowmobiles. I don't know why. The Winter X Games have always seemed a little unnecessary to me when we have Winter Olympic Games. I mean, you're pretty much at risk of death in any winter Olympic sport (except maybe curling)... one of them even has the competitors carrying guns on the racetrack. So what's the point?

Although I did get to see Lindsay Jacobellis fuck up again. That was enjoyable.

As per usual, bookmark us and spread the word! Have a good... well, it's Sunday afternoon now. And there's no football on. Fantastic. So enjoy your Sunday reading. Til Monday... I mean, tomorrow.

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glorious people's haiku: 1/26/07

from Martini John, who knows when this blogger needs tweaking:

Dukie Timeclock Broke?
Is Timekeeper on the take?
Cameron Crazy

...yeah. Clemson got hosed.

One thing we've all learned, though: you GOTTA put a body on McClure.

Ballhype: hype it up!


on: the Aussie food chain

dingo eats baby,
Serena eats dingo, but
who eats Serena?

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on: the Red Raiders, rolling

Tech wins! "Ike Turner
Motivational System"
must still work for Knight

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on: keeping bad company

tonight on Versus!
rodeo! Sidney! Ovie!
Survivor reruns!

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on: America's Sitcom

next on "The Cowboys":
Tuna quits Dallas-Mifflin,
clueless boss remains

Ballhype: hype it up!


on: conference championship recaps

Colts win a classic
but focus on real story:
Belichick's a douche

Sexy and Lovie:
a perfect match for South Beach
(but please, no Shufflin')

Ballhype: hype it up!


haiku de grace: week of 1/12/07

Not a bad first week! Well, I mean, you know, unless you consider "bad" by way of haiku puns. Which are truly horrible. My apologies. Although apologies won't stop them from coming.

Much thanks to the boys at Deadspin for throwing a link my way this week. Consider this a plea: spread the word! Add us to your favorites, your RSS... link to us (and be sure to let me know so I can return the favor)... print out your favorite haiku and staple them to your boss' forehead. Any press is good press!

If you'll excuse me now, I've got to stock up; chips and beer for the games on Sunday, sleeping pills for the inevitable Pats win.

Did you know that $10 tickets for tomorrow afternoon's Caps-Panthers game are sold out? That's good news for the team and bad news for my bank account. Nontheless, I will be there.

Good weekend all, see you on Monday.

Ballhype: hype it up!

on: conference championship predictions

for once, Peyton won't
just be in Super Bowl ads,
like K-Fed. Colts win.

forecast: snow. favors
Chi-town? nah. too bad they face
the weatherproof Saints

Ballhype: hype it up!

glorious people's haiku: 1/18/07

none here, but a decent smattering from the fine folks at Deadspin, who were nice enough to link this way yesterday. my favorite, from DaisukeMyBallz:

Plastic Bottle hides
Yet mobile QB can't flee
Apathetic eyes

Oh, Ron Mexico. Your wacky hijinx amuse us yet again.

Ballhype: hype it up!


on: a fate worse than death in Oakland

when Denny Green says
"no", Al, I think that's a sign
hell won't be so bad

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glorious people's haiku: 1/17/07

from in flagrante delicto:

Click! Paparazzi,
Rejoice! A man who wears skirts
with bobblehead wife.

I tried to do something with the whole "Beckham likes women's clothing" thing but it didn't come together for me... nice work. I'll save the rest of my ideas for when Joakim Noah gets drafted.

Ballhype: hype it up!


on: convincing America soccer's not gay

soccer's plan to win
NASCAR crowd: a guy who owns
each Spice Girls album

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on: a night where 0 for 51 was pretty solid

Jiminy Cricket!
who needs a conscience when you're
hot as a 'bachi?

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on: a series of bad philosophies

old Marty lacked guts,
new Marty lacked brains, both lack
big wins... bye, Marty?

Ballhype: hype it up!

5-7-5 makes no sense as a double play, or, why haiku?

a mission statement:
what I hope to accomplish
or at least, to fake

The wonderful thing about the internet is that everybody can have a sports blog. The horrible thing about the internet is that everybody can have a sports blog.

That's not to say that sports bloggers are bad. On the contrary, they are wonderful human beings, toiling away to post free content on the internet only to endure personal abuse from folks like SoXRoX04, IH34RTBR4DY! and Anonymous. Good sports bloggers are fucking saints.

No, the problem is one of information overload. Assuming you follow any major sports team or figure... and not, like, the Moroccan national elephant-back curling squad... there are a multitude of good blogs covering every story, every angle, with different takes and perspectives. It's allll out there for your edification. With enough time to surf the web, any reasonably functional layman could learn enough about a squad to become an expert, if not a GM.

I believe that the next step in sportswriting is not expansion (the One World Under ESPN dilemma) but contraction. 17 syllables. Ask yourself: would the world be a better place if Jay Mariotti was limited to 17 syllables a day? Skip Bayliss? Gregg Doyel? Scoop Jackson?

It's possible that the haiku, at this point, is irredeemably cliché. All the better! Everything there is to say about sports has been said already and by superior writers (the Shakespeare dilemma). After all, it's not as if anything in sports is mindblowingly new. There have been, by my painstaking scientific count, exactly four new sports innovations in the past decade and one of them is that stupid comet-tail on the puck. Do we really believe we're covering terra nova?

To that end, then, I will attempt to cover the sports world 17 syllables at a time, mostly once a day. That doesn't, of course, preclude a couple of haikus after a big weekend. Maybe even the occassional sonnet or rondelet if I'm feeling frisky. I tried doing this with the Nationals last year only to find that there's nothing particularly poetic about Cristian Guzman throwing the ball into the stands at RFK. This year, I will expand my scope and hopefully, my results.

And it's haiku, for crissakes, so play along, huh? Best ones in the comments section get posted on the main page for all to see and appreciate.

I am done, for now,
talking from my ass. Now, for
your daily haiku.

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